The blog of Dooku

Sales Tour: Part Three

2005-10-01T04:29:00.000-07:00

Oh dear... I've never mentioned this before, I'm afraid, but... I'm terribly frightened of heights.

McDooku's: Kashyyyk is not a good place for me... I feel a little faint...
But the food soon perked me up. Kashyyyk is covered in all kinds of utterly unappetizing beasts, but the cooks there can turn them into absolutely spiffing delicacies. I came across one burger which had no name on the menu, and asked them what variety of outlandish meat it contained. The cook - a Dug - muttered something about wookiees and scurried away as quickly as he could.
Hmm.

Despite this setback, McDooku's: Kashyyyk was awarded the Big Sith Tick, and I'm off once again. Next stop: Taloraan.

Sales Tour: Part 2

2005-09-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

It's rather hot here, chaps.

Mustafar, being a lava planet, is rather hot. So hot, in fact, that some of my chefs fry eggs on the sidewalk and 'flame-grill' bantha burgers over a geyser of lava.

Well, it saves on oven costs.

All the chefs here are Geonosian, so they spend the day gabbling to each other in some strange dialect. Hmmph. They're probably talking about me...

After giving the kitchens a once-over, I checked the rest of the grounds.

I don't think anything looks terribly wrong, do you?

So, McDooku's: Mustafar was awarded The Big Sith Tick.

Next on the agenda is Kashyyk. See you there, chaps!

Sales tour: Part 1

2005-09-16T03:30:00.000-07:00

Hello, chaps.

Apart from a few minor mishaps here and there, McDooku's has been running a smooth as the bun of a half-baked bantha burger. And now the time has come for me to tour the various outlets of McDooku's and see if they get the Big Sith Tick:

So, I begin my trip at Hoth, where some old biker friends of mine, Hoth's Angels, are running the only fast-food joint around for miles...

The burgers are greasy, the fries are fatty, and the meals will turn you to the dark side. Sounds like good eating.

After sampling the reigonal favourite, the wampa burger, the Hoth branch of McDookus was given the Sith Tick. However, shortly after I was offered a delightful beverage they called a 'slushy'. After draining the cup, I was struck by an enormous headache. I thanked the bikers - this concoction could prove invaluable with the ongoing war with the Republic.

Next on the itinerary is Mustafar - a pleasent change of temperature from this blasted snow.

Till then, old chaps, tally-ho!

Sabotage?

2005-08-31T22:30:00.000-07:00

In the time since I've last posted (sorry, chaps, but I'm not very good with this blasted Survivor-issue laptop) McDooku's has opened branches on Coruscant, Corellia, Bespin, Utapau, Mustafar, and Hoth (we don't get many customers, sadly, but their regional special - the wampa burger - sells brilliantly to the few we do get). However, my espionage network, Spiffing Spies Inc., has uncovered a most insidious plot. Someone is trying to destroy McDooku's by sabotaging my restaurants! I suspect Uncle Jinn & JJ, but I don't think that my own padawan would stoop to this kind of trickery. If anyone has information for me, I will reward you with $30 McDooku's vouchers. Yes, the fatty food will turn you to the dark side, and that's just not cricket. But I don't have much else.

Rooku McDooku strikes back!

2005-08-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

Hello, chaps. I've gotten fed up with Qui-Gon and JawaJuice muscling the Sith Scout Cookies out of the market with their brownies. If I want to get to the kids and *really* turn them to the dark side, I need to take them in with spiffingly unhealthy food. Mass-produced, and ready at any time. So, when I get back from this horrid planet (I think I'm likely to be voted off soon), I'm going to start a fast food restaurant! Splendid idea, what?

This is my plan for the menu of McDooku's. Tell me what you think, eh chaps?

McEvil Meal (with extra evil)
Sabre Shake (the only milkshake with lightsabre crystals for that extra ZING!)
Bantha Burgers (freshly killed and stored in a warehouse for six months)
Force-Choke-a-Cola (warning: may cause respiratory damage)
"Chicken" Nuggets (hey, where'd that Toydarian go?)
Crispy Geonosian Wings

Is it missing anything?

Oh... FIDDLESTICKS!

2005-08-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

I'm terribly sorry I haven't been able to post on my STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS blog lately, but that Master Yoda is so childish, and STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS I just had to get him in my tribe for Survivor: Tatooine STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS. Really, you'd think that a STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS nine-hundred-year-old would have slapped together STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS a few manners over the centuries, what? This STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS laptop is infested with bothersome viruses, and my e-mail account is filled with what I believe is called "spam", both from Yoda. The reason STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS that this ridiculous (and UTTERLY untrue) statement keeps appearing at random in my writing is because STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS - oh, *do* shut up - Yoda put it here. I can't type a single word without a load of garbage revealing itself here and there. Oh, I'll get that childish little prankster... STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS

So there. Whip your butt I can, Dooku, both with a lightsabre and with your computer.

Dooku in the desert

2005-08-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

Good to see you, chaps.
It's been a long time.

That's what happens when you go on a trip - marketing my err...'products' along with running the Seperatists, sometimes just is all too much.

I needed a holiday.

So, after a little investigation, I decided that Tatooine would be ideal - the advertising leaflet promoted a 'cosy little bungalow on the outskirts of the Dune Sea'. Sand and surf, sounds good.

Ho-hum.

On arrival, I was guided to my residence by a bouncy little Jawa, and what should I find?

And the 'Dune Sea'?

So, I turned to the bouncy little Jawa, demanding alternate accommodation - he informed me the only other available place to stay was to particpate in the Survivor: Tatooine game show, about to get underway in the Jundland Wastes. Now, taking part in a game show is not something I usually condone (Sidious frowns upon the TV presenters), but that Jawa strikes a hard bargin. So, here I am. In the burning heat.

And loe and behold, Palpa - errrr...Sidious is here too! And Qui-Gon! And...other people!

That was a week ago.

I have been forced to demean myself by performing menial tasks, had my throat parched and dried by this burning heat, and worst of all...

No Conditioner.

That will make it extremely difficult to conceal my bald spot. Hmph.
I did, however, manage to take a bottle of top hat polish with me - so at least that will remain shiney. Even if it does attract sand.

Well, this should be interesting...

Tally-ho!

In the service of evil

2005-07-09T00:14:00.000-07:00

Hello again, chaps.

I'm back on the Invisible Hand, helping the good General Grevious track down the Jedi leading this annoying 'clone army'. On the orders of Lord Sidious, I can't tell you exactly where we are...but think 'big and hairy'.

I've said too much.

It seems Sith Lords Anonymous leader Master Windu is off on a mission as well. Well, maybe we'll run into him at some point.
Wait - bad idea, the General might do something crazy, like try and kill him.
I have caught up with him in a few quick holo-chats, he's put me on The Slow and Difficult Path to becoming a Friendly Sith Lord
Ho-hum.
And it is indeed slow and difficult: the '10 commandmants' in the front alone are difficult to abide by. 10 commandmants, bah! There's 12 of them!

Thou must seek the forgiveness of everyone whose hand thou hast chopped off.
Thou must serve tea to all those thou comest across.
Thou must tunest thy lightsaber to be a friendly colour. Pink is suggested.
Thou shalt not betray the Jedi Order and fight a battle to the death with thine old master.
Thou shalt not shoot lightning from thine hands. Except on Wednesdays.
Thou shalt not dismember thine defeated enemies.
Thou shalt instead offer them a drink.
Thou shalt not comb over thine hair to conceal a bald patch.
Thou shalt instead polish thine bald patches.
Thou shalt not pull pranks on small, green Jedi Masters.
Thou shalt not insult a Wookie.
Thou shalt insult ewoks, since they are wimpy enough for you to get away with it.

Well, there you go, chaps. Tough, eh?

Absolutely Spiffing

2005-07-02T01:24:00.000-07:00

Hello, chaps.

I'm writing this from hyperspace, as I head back to the Invisible Hand. I can only hope the tea hasn't worn off yet.

Oh, Aayla's sleepover was simply smashing!
Despite the fact only a few of us actually went to sleep.

It was simply splendid watching Obi-Wan and Aayla trying to waltz - although Anakin suprised me. He and I should really talk about the finer points of dancing someday. After he's gotten over the whole 'missing hand' thing.

I also got a chance to catch up with good old Master Windu. Although he was a little busy watching The Notebook for most of the time.

I signed Fluke's copy of Hard Rock Temple, and Qui-Gon and I were conned into performing 'The Jedi Jive'. He may be dead, but he can still rock harder than the entire battle droid army. They make useless musicians.

I left at sunrise, with nearly everyone just waking, all with splitting headaches. Silly old chaps. I drank mostly tea from a hip flask - no headaches whatsoever. Although it does have several other interesting effects...

Palpa - errr...Sidious comes for tea

2005-07-01T04:23:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. I've been in the kitchen of the Invisible Hand showing droids how to cook a good pastry, when Darth Sidious turned up for a suprise visit.

Oh dearie me.

He must have suspected I planned to sneak back to Coruscant for a smashing party - he frowns upon any non-evil contact whatsoever. So, I served him a *special* batch of tea.
The fellow obviously can't hold his tea that well.

With Sidious taking a nap, and Grevious yelling at the bridge droids again, I snuck down to the hangar bay. Outer Rim to Coruscant in less than an hour. This is what fighters are for, eh what? Though the droid socket doesn't hold pastries very well.

Till the party, tally-ho!

Some Horrid Little Planet

2005-06-29T21:18:00.000-07:00

I think that good old chap Chancellor Pal- er, I mean *Darth Sidious* has found out about Sith Lords Anonymous. He's sent me off on an important mission on the Invisible Hand with that delightful General Grievous. The good General's fighting style is working out well, too. He still doesn't have nearly the culinary skills to make tea of truly excellent quality... and I *still* haven't found a bounty hunter quite spiffing enough to take Jango's place.

Ho-hum.

I'm not sure where we're going, some horrid little planet somewhere, but I can't go to SLA meetings. I talk with Master Windu via hologram, but it isn't quite the same.

On the plus side, I'm picking up some of my skill with the guitar again.

Sith Lords Anonymous

2005-06-28T17:47:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling listless lately... if you look back at my past entries, that young Fluke Starbucker has been commenting a lot on my dark side life.

*sighs*

And now, the latest post on his blog has really brought me back. So today I went to downtown Coruscant and joined Sith Lords Anonymous. It's an absolutely smashing rehabilitaton group for incurably evil dark lords. You see, I'm sick of the dark side. I just want to get back to playing my guitar, and having tea and crumpets, and baking biscuits.

Sith Lords Anonymous. They're wonderful people, really. It's run by Master Windu, he's not a Sith Lord, but he tells us he came close once or twice. We all get together and talk about our feelings once a week, and I think it really helps. Well, we'll see. Thank you Fluke, old chap, for putting me back on the straight and narrow.

To Make a Crumpet

2005-06-28T01:37:00.000-07:00

All right, chaps. Here it is: the one you've all been waiting for: Dooku's Homestyle Crumpets (patent pending). As Qui-Gon has observed before, they are rather fattening, but don't let that put you off, eh what!

Ingredients
1/2 kg Rancor Bones
1 teaspoon (no more) of sugar
1 cup of flour
1/4 cup of paprika
A pinch of salt for flavor
1/8 cup of mixed Endorian herbs and spices (some of them are toxic, but you might also get the antidotes)
1 cup radioactive yeast

Instructions

1. Grind the bones to make your bread. Once the Rancor bones are crushed, mix them thouroughly with the flour, sugar, salt and paprika. The paprika gives it a delicate orange coloring and a dinstinct original touch, I feel.
2. Add your mixed herbs and spices. Again, I warn you that these are often poisonous, so make sure the bag of herbs also contains the antidotes.
3. Add water, and mould into a crumpet shape before mixing the yeast through it.
4. Put the crumpets in the oven for 1 hour. If you leave them too long, the yeast will start to build a high-tech civilization, so be careful, eh chaps?

And that's the recipie for the jolly best crumpets in the galaxy.

Suggested toppings

1. Ysilamiri liver pate (highly recommended for Jedi-hunters as it promotes Force resistance)
2. Jam from Tatooine (they make the best fruit preserves I've seen in my time)
3. Hutt excretory solutions (an acquired taste, I'm afraid... *shudders involuntarily* )
4. The jelly-like substance from the jar in the back of your fridge (everyone has some, they just have no idea what it is)
5. Magic Mushrooms (they make you high normally, but when combined with the mixed herbs and spices... tally-ho!)

Top hat

2005-06-25T17:38:00.000-07:00

Oh, hello chaps.
Sorry about not posting much lately, but I've found my pocket watch hasn't worked as well as I'd hoped.
It may tell the time - but it doesn't have the date!
So whilst I was getting my suit pressed and hat polished for JawaJuice's smashing party, they had already been up all night!
Then again, maybe that's not such a bad thing...I've heard all sorts about what Anakin and Obi-Wan got up to that night...silly old chaps. And Yoda was there too - he still hasn't forgotten about the spider incident.
Anyway, so here I was, all dressed up, ready for the big night.

Next time, JawaJuice, I'm hosting the party.
I think a ballroom sounds nice...

Bounty Hunter Choir

2005-06-20T23:24:00.000-07:00

Oh dear... I got sick and tired of those bounty hunters. I've decided that since all of them are equally useless at fighting, I'm going to judge them on a more cultural basis.
I've started with singing.
I do say, it's rather entertaining to watch twenty bounty hunters holster their blasters, stand in ranks and sing the words of Rule Britannia. Then came needlecraft, pottery, tea making, history, and poetry. Do you know that not one of those bounty hunters knew the words to Ode to a Nightingale, by the ancient Sith Lord Darth John Keats?
Besides this, they sang off key, tried to stab each other with their needles, created highly artful lumps of clay with their potter's wheels, made tea without a drop of chili sauce, and thought that Darth Bane was a Republic Senator!
I'll never find a bounty hunter to replace that good old chap, Jango. Anyone who knows a good bounty hunter, please introduce him/her/it.

I open my recipie book...

2005-06-19T22:16:00.000-07:00

Salutations once again, chaps. Since my post last week about my spiffing recipie for tea was so liked, I've decided to give you a new recipie each week. That, and I want to get my mind off those appaling excuses for bounty hunters. So, here's the recipie for Dooku's Crunchy Biscuits (in case you have tea with General Grievous and only have crumpets with you - he *hates* them)

Ingredients
A bag of flour - for a batch of twenty, I usually find half a kilogram will do
2 cups of water
2/3 of a cup of sugar, or more - you never can have enough sugar
A Bantha's horn
A bag of chocolate chips
1 cup of Wroshyr bark
1/3 of a kilogram of peanuts (optional)
A pinch of salt for flavor
500 mililitres (no more) of hydrochloric acid
Wing of bat and shrew of frog - er, I mean wing of shrew and bat of - oh, just forget it.

Instructions

Mix the sugar and flour - use all the sugar, you won't need it for anything else. And at this point, chaps, you should add the pinch of salt.

Add water to the flour until it reaches a pasty consistency.

Mould the flour into flat circles, mixing in the chocolate chips, peanuts and Wroshyr bark into it as you do so (TIP: Wroshyr bark from Kashyyyk is preferable, but you don't *have* to get it from there - anywhere will do)

Now comes the tricky part, chaps. Dissolve the Bantha horn with the hydrochloric acid in a small basin. Be careful not to get any on your hands (unless your species can live well in an acid environment and quite enjoys the taste, eh, what?). Strain the solution (through a strainer) and sprinkle the resulting powdered Bantha horn over the cookies.

Put them in the oven for 45 minutes at 200 degrees, then take them out, allow them to cool, and serve.

Absolutely spiffing, this recipie. Getting the Bantha horn has complications, but then, a lightsabre is a very useful tool, eh what?

So you want to be a bounty hunter?

2005-06-18T04:26:00.000-07:00

Oh dearie me. I spent all afternoon trialing replacements for that splendid bounty hunter, Jango Fett, who had his head cut off a while back by naughty, naughty Mace Windu.

I put all the contestants in a ring, and said the last one standing would gain the honoured title of 'Dooku's butler'. And so the fighting commenced.
If it could be called that.

I witnessed one pair arm-wrestling, another having a spitting contest. Others flipped coins, some played poker, whilst others played paper-scissors-rock. It was the most useless display I've seen in a long time! And to think these are the best, toughest, most evil bounty hunters the galaxy has to offer! Hmph.

Maybe I could set it up as a reality TV show, just to get something out of it...

On Asthma

2005-06-17T00:40:00.000-07:00

I was having tea and biscuits with General Grievous today after a delightful sparring session (the old boy can't best me yet, but he's getting good). We were eating in the hangar of the Invisible Hand, since unfortunately the dear General has been locked out of the bridge. Anyway, his asthma started acting up again, the poor chap. He sent me down to the planet we were in orbit around to see if I could find a pharmacy. Terribly sorry, but I can't tell you which planet we were at, confidential and all that. It's not called the Invisible Hand for nothing. Where was I? Oh yes, there was this quaint little pharmacy on the surface, so I went in and got some of Grievous's asthma medication. I went to the counter, and found that it cost 2000 credits! I do not carry such excessive sums upon my person! I argued with the shopkeeper for hours, before threatening to order the Invisible Hand to open fire on his town. Needless to say, that convinced him in short order, although I had wasted two hours. I got back to the ship and gave General Greivous the asthma medication. He then told me that CIS has a special expense account in its budget for his medicine, and I could have just told the shopkeeper to charge it to them.

Dancing with the Darths

2005-06-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

Oh, hello chaps.
I'm in a bit of a pickle.
You see, I pulled a little prank on Master Yoda, and then this note arrived.

Dear Dooku,
Watch your back, you should
You-know-who

Oh dearie me. So, to escape the watchful eyes of Master Yoda, Master Sidious and I went to a place Yoda would never, EVER go.
A nightclub.

Oh, my head. Now I see why Yoda avoids these places.

It started off nice enough...Sidious, the sly old dog, ordered a few drinks, and we sat down to watch the dancers. After a few drinks, Sidious decided it would be nice for him to give dancing a go also. And he wanted me to dance also! Oh dearie me...

Sidious: You know, I think I can dance better than any of them.
Me: Is that so, old boy?
Sidious: Come on, I'll show you.
Me: I think you've had a wee bit to much to drink, old boy.

Then the dog used a mind trick on me!

Sidious: (waves hand) You are feeling rather drunk...you will dance with me.

Well, what could I do? Up I got, stumbling a little, and was helped by Sidious onto the dance floor.
And on a side note, don't ever EVER use the Force to get drunk. For though it can give you a headache, it cannot cure one. Believe me, I tried. However, it can make it worse...

Me: Tally-*hic*-ho!

Then Sidious began this strange, contorting dance on the floor, twisting all over the place. I have been told since it is called "breakdancing". Oh dearie me...
I pulled Sidious off the floor, and pulled him into a favourite dance of mine, the waltz.
People stared at us, for some reason.

When we had both been showed the door by a large burly man (who didn't seem very happy when I asked him to waltz with us), we both headed home.

And when I got there, what should I find...
WOOKIE DROPPINGS!

Yoda, you will rue this day...

By a boiling cauldron...

2005-06-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

Hello, chaps.
I've been asked several times now about what exactly it is that I put in my tea, that annoys people so. So, here it is, the recipe for Dooku's Brew:

Ingredients
Hot water (or cold, if that's how you like it)
Earl Grey tea bag
Earpiercing of teenager
Eye of newt
Spleen of shrew
Toenail of solicitor
A pinch of salt for flavour
A spoonful of chilli sauce (add one per kettleful)
A lightsaber crystal (preferably natrual, but synthetic will do)

Instructions
Combine the water, tea bag, piercing, eye, spleen and toenail in a saucepan, stir while heating gently.

When boiling, reduce the heat, then stir in the chilli sauce. Be generous - you can never have enough chilli!

Add the lightsaber crystal, and stir until completey dissolved. This may take some time...

Then, when all the lumpy bits are gone, throw in the salt.

Stir again, then serve.

Well, there you go. Tasty, eh what? What Master Yoda finds wrong with it, I cannot tell.

Cheerio.

Fridge Magnets, Watches, and a New General

2005-06-12T22:27:00.000-07:00

Hello again! I've been rather busy, Lord Sidious sent me to train this simply splendid fellow called General Grievous. He's a funny fellow, made of metal...and he gets teased at lot. The younglings put fridge magnets on his chest. Oh dearie me...

It was Grievous that suggested I should buy a watch, as I always arrive late for our regular tea and biscuits luncheons. So I had a look around, and bought this smashing new pocket watch!

Maybe I should collect them, to match Grievous' lightsaber collection...

Salutations!

2005-06-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

Visitors! Absolutely smashing! I'm on my way to Coruscant to have tea and crumpets with Darth Sidious, having had the most marvellous workout with Obi-Wan and Anakin. They did seem to get rather upset when I cut off Anakin's arm...oh dearie me. Maybe I'll ask them round for a dinner party sometime, to make up for it. Then that good old chap Master Yoda turned up, very sprightly for a 900 year old. Bouncing around everywhere...I think he's been working out with Kermit. Or possibly Tigger.

I must go now, or my crumpets will get cold.
Cheerio.