Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Some Horrid Little Planet

I think that good old chap Chancellor Pal- er, I mean *Darth Sidious* has found out about Sith Lords Anonymous. He's sent me off on an important mission on the Invisible Hand with that delightful General Grievous. The good General's fighting style is working out well, too. He still doesn't have nearly the culinary skills to make tea of truly excellent quality... and I *still* haven't found a bounty hunter quite spiffing enough to take Jango's place.


I'm not sure where we're going, some horrid little planet somewhere, but I can't go to SLA meetings. I talk with Master Windu via hologram, but it isn't quite the same.

On the plus side, I'm picking up some of my skill with the guitar again.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Sith Lords Anonymous

I've been feeling listless lately... if you look back at my past entries, that young Fluke Starbucker has been commenting a lot on my dark side life.


And now, the latest post on his blog has really brought me back. So today I went to downtown Coruscant and joined Sith Lords Anonymous. It's an absolutely smashing rehabilitaton group for incurably evil dark lords. You see, I'm sick of the dark side. I just want to get back to playing my guitar, and having tea and crumpets, and baking biscuits.

Sith Lords Anonymous. They're wonderful people, really. It's run by Master Windu, he's not a Sith Lord, but he tells us he came close once or twice. We all get together and talk about our feelings once a week, and I think it really helps. Well, we'll see. Thank you Fluke, old chap, for putting me back on the straight and narrow.

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To Make a Crumpet

All right, chaps. Here it is: the one you've all been waiting for: Dooku's Homestyle Crumpets (patent pending). As Qui-Gon has observed before, they are rather fattening, but don't let that put you off, eh what!

1/2 kg Rancor Bones
1 teaspoon (no more) of sugar
1 cup of flour
1/4 cup of paprika
A pinch of salt for flavor
1/8 cup of mixed Endorian herbs and spices (some of them are toxic, but you might also get the antidotes)
1 cup radioactive yeast


1. Grind the bones to make your bread. Once the Rancor bones are crushed, mix them thouroughly with the flour, sugar, salt and paprika. The paprika gives it a delicate orange coloring and a dinstinct original touch, I feel.
2. Add your mixed herbs and spices. Again, I warn you that these are often poisonous, so make sure the bag of herbs also contains the antidotes.
3. Add water, and mould into a crumpet shape before mixing the yeast through it.
4. Put the crumpets in the oven for 1 hour. If you leave them too long, the yeast will start to build a high-tech civilization, so be careful, eh chaps?

And that's the recipie for the jolly best crumpets in the galaxy.

Suggested toppings

1. Ysilamiri liver pate (highly recommended for Jedi-hunters as it promotes Force resistance)
2. Jam from Tatooine (they make the best fruit preserves I've seen in my time)
3. Hutt excretory solutions (an acquired taste, I'm afraid... *shudders involuntarily* )
4. The jelly-like substance from the jar in the back of your fridge (everyone has some, they just have no idea what it is)
5. Magic Mushrooms (they make you high normally, but when combined with the mixed herbs and spices... tally-ho!)

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Top hat

Oh, hello chaps.
Sorry about not posting much lately, but I've found my pocket watch hasn't worked as well as I'd hoped.
It may tell the time - but it doesn't have the date!
So whilst I was getting my suit pressed and hat polished for JawaJuice's smashing party, they had already been up all night!
Then again, maybe that's not such a bad thing...I've heard all sorts about what Anakin and Obi-Wan got up to that night...silly old chaps. And Yoda was there too - he still hasn't forgotten about the spider incident.
Anyway, so here I was, all dressed up, ready for the big night.

Next time, JawaJuice, I'm hosting the party.
I think a ballroom sounds nice...

Monday, June 20, 2005

Bounty Hunter Choir

Oh dear... I got sick and tired of those bounty hunters. I've decided that since all of them are equally useless at fighting, I'm going to judge them on a more cultural basis.
I've started with singing.
I do say, it's rather entertaining to watch twenty bounty hunters holster their blasters, stand in ranks and sing the words of Rule Britannia. Then came needlecraft, pottery, tea making, history, and poetry. Do you know that not one of those bounty hunters knew the words to Ode to a Nightingale, by the ancient Sith Lord Darth John Keats?
Besides this, they sang off key, tried to stab each other with their needles, created highly artful lumps of clay with their potter's wheels, made tea without a drop of chili sauce, and thought that Darth Bane was a Republic Senator!
I'll never find a bounty hunter to replace that good old chap, Jango. Anyone who knows a good bounty hunter, please introduce him/her/it.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

I open my recipie book...

Salutations once again, chaps. Since my post last week about my spiffing recipie for tea was so liked, I've decided to give you a new recipie each week. That, and I want to get my mind off those appaling excuses for bounty hunters. So, here's the recipie for Dooku's Crunchy Biscuits (in case you have tea with General Grievous and only have crumpets with you - he *hates* them)

A bag of flour - for a batch of twenty, I usually find half a kilogram will do
2 cups of water
2/3 of a cup of sugar, or more - you never can have enough sugar
A Bantha's horn
A bag of chocolate chips
1 cup of Wroshyr bark
1/3 of a kilogram of peanuts (optional)
A pinch of salt for flavor
500 mililitres (no more) of hydrochloric acid
Wing of bat and shrew of frog - er, I mean wing of shrew and bat of - oh, just forget it.


Mix the sugar and flour - use all the sugar, you won't need it for anything else. And at this point, chaps, you should add the pinch of salt.

Add water to the flour until it reaches a pasty consistency.

Mould the flour into flat circles, mixing in the chocolate chips, peanuts and Wroshyr bark into it as you do so (TIP: Wroshyr bark from Kashyyyk is preferable, but you don't *have* to get it from there - anywhere will do)

Now comes the tricky part, chaps. Dissolve the Bantha horn with the hydrochloric acid in a small basin. Be careful not to get any on your hands (unless your species can live well in an acid environment and quite enjoys the taste, eh, what?). Strain the solution (through a strainer) and sprinkle the resulting powdered Bantha horn over the cookies.

Put them in the oven for 45 minutes at 200 degrees, then take them out, allow them to cool, and serve.

Absolutely spiffing, this recipie. Getting the Bantha horn has complications, but then, a lightsabre is a very useful tool, eh what?

Saturday, June 18, 2005

So you want to be a bounty hunter?

Oh dearie me. I spent all afternoon trialing replacements for that splendid bounty hunter, Jango Fett, who had his head cut off a while back by naughty, naughty Mace Windu.

I put all the contestants in a ring, and said the last one standing would gain the honoured title of 'Dooku's butler'. And so the fighting commenced.
If it could be called that.

I witnessed one pair arm-wrestling, another having a spitting contest. Others flipped coins, some played poker, whilst others played paper-scissors-rock. It was the most useless display I've seen in a long time! And to think these are the best, toughest, most evil bounty hunters the galaxy has to offer! Hmph.

Maybe I could set it up as a reality TV show, just to get something out of it...

Friday, June 17, 2005

On Asthma

I was having tea and biscuits with General Grievous today after a delightful sparring session (the old boy can't best me yet, but he's getting good). We were eating in the hangar of the Invisible Hand, since unfortunately the dear General has been locked out of the bridge. Anyway, his asthma started acting up again, the poor chap. He sent me down to the planet we were in orbit around to see if I could find a pharmacy. Terribly sorry, but I can't tell you which planet we were at, confidential and all that. It's not called the Invisible Hand for nothing. Where was I? Oh yes, there was this quaint little pharmacy on the surface, so I went in and got some of Grievous's asthma medication. I went to the counter, and found that it cost 2000 credits! I do not carry such excessive sums upon my person! I argued with the shopkeeper for hours, before threatening to order the Invisible Hand to open fire on his town. Needless to say, that convinced him in short order, although I had wasted two hours. I got back to the ship and gave General Greivous the asthma medication. He then told me that CIS has a special expense account in its budget for his medicine, and I could have just told the shopkeeper to charge it to them.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Dancing with the Darths

Oh, hello chaps.
I'm in a bit of a pickle.
You see, I pulled a little prank on Master Yoda, and then this note arrived.

Dear Dooku,
Watch your back, you should

Oh dearie me. So, to escape the watchful eyes of Master Yoda, Master Sidious and I went to a place Yoda would never, EVER go.
A nightclub.

Oh, my head. Now I see why Yoda avoids these places.

It started off nice enough...Sidious, the sly old dog, ordered a few drinks, and we sat down to watch the dancers. After a few drinks, Sidious decided it would be nice for him to give dancing a go also. And he wanted me to dance also! Oh dearie me...

Sidious: You know, I think I can dance better than any of them.
Me: Is that so, old boy?
Sidious: Come on, I'll show you.
Me: I think you've had a wee bit to much to drink, old boy.

Then the dog used a mind trick on me!

Sidious: (waves hand) You are feeling rather will dance with me.

Well, what could I do? Up I got, stumbling a little, and was helped by Sidious onto the dance floor.
And on a side note, don't ever EVER use the Force to get drunk. For though it can give you a headache, it cannot cure one. Believe me, I tried. However, it can make it worse...

Me: Tally-*hic*-ho!

Then Sidious began this strange, contorting dance on the floor, twisting all over the place. I have been told since it is called "breakdancing". Oh dearie me...
I pulled Sidious off the floor, and pulled him into a favourite dance of mine, the waltz.
People stared at us, for some reason.

When we had both been showed the door by a large burly man (who didn't seem very happy when I asked him to waltz with us), we both headed home.

And when I got there, what should I find...

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Yoda, you will rue this day...

Monday, June 13, 2005

By a boiling cauldron...

Hello, chaps.
I've been asked several times now about what exactly it is that I put in my tea, that annoys people so. So, here it is, the recipe for Dooku's Brew:

Hot water (or cold, if that's how you like it)
Earl Grey tea bag
Earpiercing of teenager
Eye of newt
Spleen of shrew
Toenail of solicitor
A pinch of salt for flavour
A spoonful of chilli sauce (add one per kettleful)
A lightsaber crystal (preferably natrual, but synthetic will do)

Combine the water, tea bag, piercing, eye, spleen and toenail in a saucepan, stir while heating gently.

When boiling, reduce the heat, then stir in the chilli sauce. Be generous - you can never have enough chilli!

Add the lightsaber crystal, and stir until completey dissolved. This may take some time...

Then, when all the lumpy bits are gone, throw in the salt.

Stir again, then serve.

Well, there you go. Tasty, eh what? What Master Yoda finds wrong with it, I cannot tell.


Sunday, June 12, 2005

Fridge Magnets, Watches, and a New General

Hello again! I've been rather busy, Lord Sidious sent me to train this simply splendid fellow called General Grievous. He's a funny fellow, made of metal...and he gets teased at lot. The younglings put fridge magnets on his chest. Oh dearie me...

It was Grievous that suggested I should buy a watch, as I always arrive late for our regular tea and biscuits luncheons. So I had a look around, and bought this smashing new pocket watch!

My marvellous shiney new pocket watch

Maybe I should collect them, to match Grievous' lightsaber collection...

Saturday, June 11, 2005


Visitors! Absolutely smashing! I'm on my way to Coruscant to have tea and crumpets with Darth Sidious, having had the most marvellous workout with Obi-Wan and Anakin. They did seem to get rather upset when I cut off Anakin's arm...oh dearie me. Maybe I'll ask them round for a dinner party sometime, to make up for it. Then that good old chap Master Yoda turned up, very sprightly for a 900 year old. Bouncing around everywhere...I think he's been working out with Kermit. Or possibly Tigger.

I must go now, or my crumpets will get cold.