Saturday, October 01, 2005

Sales Tour: Part Three

Oh dear... I've never mentioned this before, I'm afraid, but... I'm terribly frightened of heights.

McDooku's: Kashyyyk is not a good place for me... I feel a little faint...
But the food soon perked me up. Kashyyyk is covered in all kinds of utterly unappetizing beasts, but the cooks there can turn them into absolutely spiffing delicacies. I came across one burger which had no name on the menu, and asked them what variety of outlandish meat it contained. The cook - a Dug - muttered something about wookiees and scurried away as quickly as he could.

Despite this setback, McDooku's: Kashyyyk was awarded the Big Sith Tick, and I'm off once again. Next stop: Taloraan.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Sales Tour: Part 2

It's rather hot here, chaps.

Mustafar, being a lava planet, is rather hot. So hot, in fact, that some of my chefs fry eggs on the sidewalk and 'flame-grill' bantha burgers over a geyser of lava.

Well, it saves on oven costs.

All the chefs here are Geonosian, so they spend the day gabbling to each other in some strange dialect. Hmmph. They're probably talking about me...

After giving the kitchens a once-over, I checked the rest of the grounds.


I don't think anything looks terribly wrong, do you?

So, McDooku's: Mustafar was awarded The Big Sith Tick.

Next on the agenda is Kashyyk. See you there, chaps!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Sales tour: Part 1

Hello, chaps.

Apart from a few minor mishaps here and there, McDooku's has been running a smooth as the bun of a half-baked bantha burger. And now the time has come for me to tour the various outlets of McDooku's and see if they get the Big Sith Tick:

The Big Sith Tick

So, I begin my trip at Hoth, where some old biker friends of mine, Hoth's Angels, are running the only fast-food joint around for miles...

That's one wampa burger with extra cheese...

The burgers are greasy, the fries are fatty, and the meals will turn you to the dark side. Sounds like good eating.

After sampling the reigonal favourite, the wampa burger, the Hoth branch of McDookus was given the Sith Tick. However, shortly after I was offered a delightful beverage they called a 'slushy'. After draining the cup, I was struck by an enormous headache. I thanked the bikers - this concoction could prove invaluable with the ongoing war with the Republic.

Next on the itinerary is Mustafar - a pleasent change of temperature from this blasted snow.

Till then, old chaps, tally-ho!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005


In the time since I've last posted (sorry, chaps, but I'm not very good with this blasted Survivor-issue laptop) McDooku's has opened branches on Coruscant, Corellia, Bespin, Utapau, Mustafar, and Hoth (we don't get many customers, sadly, but their regional special - the wampa burger - sells brilliantly to the few we do get). However, my espionage network, Spiffing Spies Inc., has uncovered a most insidious plot. Someone is trying to destroy McDooku's by sabotaging my restaurants! I suspect Uncle Jinn & JJ, but I don't think that my own padawan would stoop to this kind of trickery. If anyone has information for me, I will reward you with $30 McDooku's vouchers. Yes, the fatty food will turn you to the dark side, and that's just not cricket. But I don't have much else.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Rooku McDooku strikes back!

Hello, chaps. I've gotten fed up with Qui-Gon and JawaJuice muscling the Sith Scout Cookies out of the market with their brownies. If I want to get to the kids and *really* turn them to the dark side, I need to take them in with spiffingly unhealthy food. Mass-produced, and ready at any time. So, when I get back from this horrid planet (I think I'm likely to be voted off soon), I'm going to start a fast food restaurant! Splendid idea, what?

This is my plan for the menu of McDooku's. Tell me what you think, eh chaps?

McEvil Meal (with extra evil)
Sabre Shake (the only milkshake with lightsabre crystals for that extra ZING!)
Bantha Burgers (freshly killed and stored in a warehouse for six months)
Force-Choke-a-Cola (warning: may cause respiratory damage)
"Chicken" Nuggets (hey, where'd that Toydarian go?)
Crispy Geonosian Wings

Is it missing anything?

Monday, August 08, 2005


I'm terribly sorry I haven't been able to post on my STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS blog lately, but that Master Yoda is so childish, and STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS I just had to get him in my tribe for Survivor: Tatooine STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS. Really, you'd think that a STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS nine-hundred-year-old would have slapped together STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS a few manners over the centuries, what? This STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS laptop is infested with bothersome viruses, and my e-mail account is filled with what I believe is called "spam", both from Yoda. The reason STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS that this ridiculous (and UTTERLY untrue) statement keeps appearing at random in my writing is because STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS - oh, *do* shut up - Yoda put it here. I can't type a single word without a load of garbage revealing itself here and there. Oh, I'll get that childish little prankster... STRONGER WITH THE FORCE THAN DOOKU, YODA IS

So there. Whip your butt I can, Dooku, both with a lightsabre and with your computer.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Dooku in the desert

Good to see you, chaps.
It's been a long time.

That's what happens when you go on a trip - marketing my err...'products' along with running the Seperatists, sometimes just is all too much.

I needed a holiday.

So, after a little investigation, I decided that Tatooine would be ideal - the advertising leaflet promoted a 'cosy little bungalow on the outskirts of the Dune Sea'. Sand and surf, sounds good.


On arrival, I was guided to my residence by a bouncy little Jawa, and what should I find?

And the 'Dune Sea'?

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So, I turned to the bouncy little Jawa, demanding alternate accommodation - he informed me the only other available place to stay was to particpate in the Survivor: Tatooine game show, about to get underway in the Jundland Wastes. Now, taking part in a game show is not something I usually condone (Sidious frowns upon the TV presenters), but that Jawa strikes a hard bargin. So, here I am. In the burning heat.

And loe and behold, Palpa - errrr...Sidious is here too! And Qui-Gon! And...other people!

That was a week ago.

I have been forced to demean myself by performing menial tasks, had my throat parched and dried by this burning heat, and worst of all...

No Conditioner.

That will make it extremely difficult to conceal my bald spot. Hmph.
I did, however, manage to take a bottle of top hat polish with me - so at least that will remain shiney. Even if it does attract sand.

Well, this should be interesting...

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